Thursday, March 25, 2010

No Holds Barred!


While many of you crazy "trve" metal meat heads (me included) surely have been anticipating very anxiously the very first release of TRIPTYKON (Tom Gabriel Fischer aka Tom G. Warrior's, the founder of CELTIC FROST, new band), Eparistera Daimones, like the second coming of the Satan himself (and his little friend...), it was solely the BARREN EARTH’s debut album, Curse of the Red River, and its release date (24.3.2010) that got my juicy snow white milk bursting out of my udder 200 mph and making it the most fattest cream, shining like gold in the sunhine, you’ve ever seen, tasted or snorted. That means it is good, you product of fat-phobiazed modern generation!


Curse of the Red River is The Reason there is again another useless music blog (that no one even will read *sigh*) in the world wide web of the intershitweb and wannabe-music hipsters and other kooky music critics that don’t know shit! But fortunately I do know. I know when I smell shit near me or taste shit in my slimy crooked mouth. And now, bulls and milky cow friends of mine, we are talking about something else than my own brown product. BARREN EARTH's debut album is far far far away from the green grass lands of shit piles. No fear of slipping down and cursing afterwards or falling down and then stand up just to notice you are covered all over, from hoof to tongue, of this not-so-magical waste of the black hole. This album IS Finnish Metal like it sould be presented to other countries in this very year! To some listeners it might paint effects and landscapes of that soft brown toxic ice cream (you know what I am talking about) but those music fans have nothing to do with good metallic taste or brain capacity to separate its own feces of another fellow creature.

Am I talking about you? No. You wouldn't be reading this anymore, if those mutants are even cabable of reading after all. Who knows. But before I go on, there's one particular point that needs to be made clear right now in my very first post. Besides BARREN EARTH, (remember to look evil, grin a bit like a little devil you are and show those horns every time you say those magic words BARREN and EARTH, okay?) there is one reason more for launching this blog ie. metal barn. This one fuckin'
Swede Bastard (but lovely, no matter where you look at it) has done good work on that blog for several years and (s)he’s the one you should thank for this am-mooo-sing blog name. Also be sure to check out this great site, where you can get all the latest goodies and old classics in no time: Angrychairs Redux.

But I sure ain't here to talk about
Swedish people, my love for them, kötbullors, my love for them too, or other unusual habits of our (damn) neighbour country citizens, let the Bastard’s blog do that. Clear? And by the way, (s)he sure does a damn fine job for making Swedes looking even more stupid than they already are. Thank you, you Honey. I love you.


Anyway, enough of bull…err, sorry, cowshit, time to move on and finally go to the point: MUUUUU-SIC. This blog is mostly concentrating on music and trying to provide high quality releases as much as possible to your rotten and greedy ears. I’m not saying how often though, but the thing that matters here is as simple as it gets: Metal Music…up in your ass!!! So, here we go.

Up the horns, rumens and udders!




BARREN EARTH (Homepage and MySpace) is one of those so called super groups you’ve heard of thousands and thousands of time before. You sure know BLOODBATH for example. BARREN EARTH ain’t an exception to the rule. It's a band of many talented and gifted Finnish musicians making the most high standard metal music at the moment. Members from bands such as ALGHAZANTH, AMORPHIS, ARTHEMESIA, CHAOSBREED, ENTER MY SILENCE, FUNERIS NOCTURNUM, KREATOR, MANNHAI, MOONSORROW, RYTMIHÄIRIÖ, SWALLOW THE SUN, WALTARI makes it possible to proudly announce that it's not far fetched that THESE, and I mean especially these, guys have more than some skills (more than figuring out which and what is or isn't their own feces) and experience under their old retro bullet belts and far gone corpse paints.

In fall 2009 they released a four-song EP, Our Twilight, and six months later it was time to put out the very first full-length, Curse of the Red River. As there is obvious influences from 70’s throughout the album from bands as
JETHRO TULL and The Mighty PINK FLOYD, it is the 90’s and one classic metal band and their albums from that golden era that draws the most attention in here: AMOPRPHIS. This album is like a mix of both Tales from the Thousand Lakes and Elegy updated to this year with more muscular sound and great mix. This album is the way those two albums would exactly sound like today! Job done good for once!

Not only Kasper Mårtenson’s keyboards, especially in his solo spots, take you straight back to 1994 and to Tales from the Thousand Lakes' atmosphere but it is Mikko Kotamäki’s vocals that also revives some great memories of those two gems from Finnish metal history. Mikko Kotamäki does an astonishing job delivering both dark, deep and yes, those demonic vocals that only Mikael Åkerfeldt, the mastermind behind the one of the best death/proge/experimental metal bands in the last 10 years besides BLOODBATH:
OPETH, also known of collaboration with Travis Smith, who, surprise, surprise, has also done the cover for Curse of the Red River! But as Mikko Kotamäki knee-deeply growls and creeps in to your head (since there is a lot of room to be filled anyway) he also uses the other extreme of his spectacular voice: tenderness and clear beautiful singing…just like Pasi Koskinen did in Elegy back in 1996.

But the hyping doesn’t end there. No way! What also needs to be praised is the magnificent guitar work by both Janne Perttilä and that monster soloist Sami Yli-Sirniö. If only solos like these would have been in AMORPHIS’ albums back then, they would need to be in everybody’s home stereos weekly, if not daily. Those albums would have been like the audio version of our epic tale
Kalevala.

From the poetic pages of Kalevala, it's natural to do a jump to another epic Finnish product:
KINGSTON WALL. If you have ever heard or was lucky enough to able to witness live these guys (RIP Petri Walli), you know that not only they did magnificent work producing some of the finest proge rock in the world, but also did an amazing job playing it to the live audience. I am not saying that BARREN EARTH should, or not that they are even able to, be compared to them, but besides the influences mentioned earlier, you can also sense the spirit of KINGSTON WALL too in a very good sense, not ripping off, but spicing their own soup with a touch from KINGSTON WALL's unique recipe. Again: job diddley diddley done good!


I know you are bored to read this already so time to give you a little hint: listen to this album. Enjoy this album because there's no other choice for you once you've tucked your earplugs in your filthy ears or blasted it in your home or car stereos and pressed play.

I sure do love Curse of the Red River like I love to chive in the field of green fresh moist morning hay and devour it in four seconds.


This album is the tits!...sorry, of course I mean udders!!!














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